Rajko Shushtarshich







(What Jesus really did teach)


















Edition publisher :

Revija SRP /Svoboda, Resnica, Pogum / ;

Lives Journal / Liberty, Verity, and Spirit / 



i.a: http://www.revijasrp.si

i.a: http://www.livesjournal.eu


Cover : …


Editors :

Rajko Shushtarshich

Ivo Antich


John’s revelation, or On three values (What Jesus really did teach)

/ Rajko Shushtarshich. – Ljubljana; Revija SRP, 2018.


(Edition LiVeS Journal; 2018-2)

URL : http://www.livesjournal.eu/library/Janraz/Johns_revel_49.htm






























John’s Revelation


On Three Values:

Verity (truth),

Liberty (freedom),


and their transcendence






















John’s Revelation 1. – 24. (p. 11)


The voice of one crying out in the wilderness

/a gnostic gospel of John the Herald/ (p. 11)

The Prince and the Shepherd The Story of Judas and Simon Peter /a gnostic gospel/ (p. 135)

Pilate's dreams – The story of Pilate I (p. 173)

Message on his goodbye – The story of Pilate II (p. 199)


Trivial structure of consciousness





































































































Translated from Slovenian by Jaka Jarc: IZ VSEBINE JANEZOVEGA RAZODETJA


(a gnostic gospel of John the Herald)


The story of John the Herald,

as recorded by his disciple,

who left him.

By the River Jordan

It is difficult to bear witness to the truth about John the Herald,

but the disciple whom Jesus loved nevertheless bore witness to it.

This happened in Bethany on the other side of Jordan,

the river of purification where John baptised.


 1.1          In the beginning was the word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God.

2              The same was in the beginning with God.


In the beginning there was everything,

and everything was in everything,

and everything on its own was Everything.

Everything in the beginning was on its own in itself.


In the beginning was the Absolute,

and all Understanding was in it.

And for Understanding this was the word:

for everything and nothing.

Everything and Nothing was in Him in the beginning.


In the beginning was God,

and God was not only the word,

because the word was wholly in Him.


 3             Everything was made through it,

and Nothing that was made,

was made without it.


 4            In it was life,

and the life was the light of men.

5              And the light shineth in darkness,

and the darkness comprehended it not.


Now the light shines in the darkness,

and the darkness comprehends it not.

And Nothing says: the light is because of the darkness,

and the darkness comprehends the light,

and this darkness is called man.


And he says:

in the beginning was Nothing,

and He is the first word,

which was there in the beginning,

in Nothing.


 6            There was a man,

 3            who came to bear witness,

to bear witness to the Light,

that all men through him might believe.


 8            He was not that Light,

but came to bear witness to that Light.

 9            The Light lighteth every man,

as John bore witness;

it was already coming into the world,

but the world did not know it.

10            The world was made by it,

but the world did not know it,

man did not know it.


11            He came unto his own,

and his own received him not:

they did not know him within themselves.


12            But they that received him knew,

that they are what they were searching for,

a divine Spark, children of God;

they received his name;




13            they who do not consider themselves

born of flesh and blood,

by the will of the spirit of power;

they see that they are only

a fleeting spark,

his spark,

God’s spark.


14            And the World became a symbol made of flesh,

and it dwelt among us,

until we beheld its glory,

full of the grace of truth from Him,

who was sent by the Father.


And God became just a word, a symbol;

we can fill it with meanings of emptiness,

it does not matter which word it is,

its meaning –


the same.


And the word became a vessel,

the vessel is empty,

we are empty;

deep in ancient memory the testimony lives on.


15            John bears witness of him, calls, speaks;

in vain. 

15            No man has ever seen God,

the only begotten Son declared him,

He is in the bosom of His grace;

did He see him?


17            The word again became full through Him,

full of grace and truth;

the law was given by Moses;

the grace of his love became true

through Him, through Jesus Christ.




16            And from the fullness of his Word

have we all received

its grace for grace,

love for love.


19            To Bethany on the other side of Jordan,

where John baptised and testified,

the Jews sent priests and Levites from Jerusalem,

to ask him:


Who are you?


20            He: I am not the Christ.

21            The Jews: What are you? Are you a prophet?

He: I am not.

The Jews: Why have you come? Have you come to prophecy?

He: No. I have not come for that.

The Jews: How did you come? Did you come as Elijah left?

He: I did not. I did not come in that way.

22            So the Jews say unto him: Tell us who you are, what do you have

to say for yourself,

so that we may give an answer to those who have sent us.

23            He: I am who am; but you are not.

I am the “voice of one crying out in the wilderness:

Make straight the way of the Lord” in yourself,

as Isaiah the prophet foretold.


24            The Pharisees reproached him saying:

25            You baptise, you testify, you prophesy;

but you are neither the Christ, nor Elijah, nor a prophet.

26            He: I baptise with water,

my I baptises with water;

but there is one among you whom ye know not,

27            Of Him who comes after me,

I am only a shadow,

He baptises with the Holy Spirit.


28            This happened in Bethany,

on the other side of the Jordan,

the river of purification,

where John testified to himself:

To their clear question: Who are you? I did not answer.

I said: I am not the Christ, and how I rushed,

why did I have to say that?

They would not have understood if I had told them the truth,

but this is no reason to conceal it.

After all they did not ask me: who are you not?

And who poses such questions?

I knew what they wanted to ask,

they posed the questions correctly,

could not have posed them more correctly.

And then I added:

He is among you,

in your midst, whom you do not know.


If I could say that,

and if they understood,

I could tell the whole truth,

the truth was my mission.

I did not conceal Him, but I concealed him within myself,

and that was not the truth; the truth is whole,

or it is not the truth.

I baptise with water;

water is soft and pure;

its movement is unlike that of thoughts,

it purifies for the path,

on which it sees the spiritual eye:

its eye like the eye of a foreigner who cannot see.

But he baptised with the living water of life,

with the wellspring, which flows into eternal life;

and with fire,

and with earth,

with wind,

and with the air.


30            He was here long before me,

and he proclaimed the way,

and the truth,

and the grace of love which we all received through him.

And He proclaimed:


if you believe through the God in you,

have you seen him?

Have you seen his spark within you?

If you believe through someone else,

have they seen him?

And you believe him,

is it easier for you to believe like that?

Will you ever be able to see yourself?

What are you marvelling at, man,

only miracles?

How beautiful miracles are if you see them in yourself,

being a miracle through yourself.

If no-one has seen God,

and still you believe, this is a miracle.

From whence your faith,

if it is not your conviction, the convincing of yourself,

it is something more;

it is a feeling within you?

Is not the essence of faith the miracle,

if you believe yourself,

within yourself,

deep from within yourself,

from your knowledge,

the knowledge of ancient memory?

But thought is strange,

in itself it is a miracle,

and it is the death of knowledge,

and the story is only its framework,

the framework of shadows,

it is a symbolic account of it.

And I am only His shadow.

He was here before me,

He was here when I did not even exist.


That is how John bore witness to the truth about himself on the first day;

and he knew that the Avatars would meet on the mountain.

It is difficult for John to bear witness to the truth,

but the disciple whom Jesus loved bore witness to it nonetheless.


28           This happened in Bethany, on the other bank of the Jordan,

the river of purification in which John baptised.

29           On the second day, he waited for Him, and when he saw him,

coming over, he exclaimed:

O, look, the Lamb of God, who comes to take away the sins

of this world! You have come to take away my sin and that of the world.

31           You have come, you whom I concealed, I did not acknowledge you.

And I said you were coming after me, that you are coming second.

That is what I said, I who have come to bear witness to the truth,

to purify it, to cleanse it with water, so that it reveals itself in purity

to Israel; have I come then to conceal it?

32           And John testified to his two disciples:

“I saw his Spirit,

descending from heaven like a dove,

33           but I did not know him,

I did not want to know him.

But He who sent me,

said to me:

This is your mission:

Upon whom you shall see the Spirit descending,

He is all full of the Spirit; He will baptise you with the bright spirit,

He will sanctify with what is holy; that is the one; it is He.”

34           That is what I saw; and I bear witness that He is the Son of God;

and He baptised me with his spirit,

and I sanctified him with my truth.


35           On the third day, John was with his two disciples for the last time,

when he saw Him.

36           He looked at him, his look was beseeching and sorrowful,

he spoke but his disciples did not yet hear. And He went past.

They only heard how he said to them:

Behold, He is the Lamb of God, He will be your shepherd.

On that day, John relinquished two of his disciples,

who were dearest to him.

John mourned for them,

and mourned also for He had gone past him.


37           One of the disciples heard everything and testified:

We stood to say farewell, John the Baptist and us two,

his beloved disciples; we heard everything,

and it rended our hearts, but we went and followed Him.



38           He saw them before he turned;

he saw them,

saw their shadow,

saw their hearts;

he asked them: What seek ye?

They answered: Your home,

we seek your dwelling place.

39            He: Come and see.

They went and saw his home in God’s bosom,

and that day they were with Him, then they forgot.

It was around the tenth hour on that day. And that was how it was

with all his disciples, save for one;

it is always so that one is different.

40            The other of the two disciples who went with Him, when they saw

what John was testifying to, was Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother.

41            When they went after him, the sadness in them became

the joy of witnessing to the fact that they had found the Messiah; for they

were searching for the greatest teacher, they were looking for the Messiah before

they even knew it. But one of them did not forget John,

their old teacher, as easily as the other, who ran to his

brother to tell him everything and that

42            they had found the Messiah. He brought him to Jesus.

When Jesus beheld him, he said:

You are hard as a rock, Simon, son of Jona, your name shall be Cephas (Peter).

43            When Jesus left for Galilee, he found Philip

44            from Bethsaida; and said unto him: Follow me!

Philip too went without hesitation,

he too did not think of John, his teacher

to that day.

45            And this is how John was abandoned by his faithful disciples because

they wanted the greatest teacher, but this is how it had to be.

With Nathanael alone was there a slight hitch.

When Philip found him he said: We have found him,

Him, of whom Moses did write, of whom the prophets

spoke; Jesus of Nazareth.

46            And Nathanael replied: Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?

Philip said unto him: Come and see!


47            When Nathanael was coming to Him, Jesus saw him, saw into him

and greeted him thus:

Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile.

48            Nathanael said unto Him: Whence do you know me, can you see into me?

Jesus replied jokingly: When you were under the fig tree I saw you;

then more seriously: That was before Philip called you.

49            Nathanael: Rabbi, you are the Son of God, you are the king of Israel.

50            Jesus: Because I said to you that I saw you under the fig tree,

you believe; and when you will see heaven open, and the angels of God,

ascending and descending upon the Son of man,

what will you say then?

Truly, truly I say unto you:

look with your soul, with the eyes of your soul, with spiritual eyes;

and you will see.


And this is how it was with the visions of all His disciples,

they saw for an instant,

then they forgot, they could not even believe their own eyes, that

they had seen.

They wanted to see many miracles, incredible miracles,

in order to believe.

But one was different,

it is always so that one is different.

And he did many miracles that they might see,

but the disciple whom He loved will mention only a few.



Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: 1.1 – 1.50



Translated from Slovenian by Jaka Jarc: 2.1 – 3.21









In Aenon


3.23        When John was carrying out his mission,

everywhere where there was much water,

and purified, cleaned with the truth,

he met Him again,

in Aenón near Salím.

The people were thirsting for the truth,

they were coming in crowds to be sanctified.

22            Jesus too and his disciple came to

Judea. He lived here and baptised

with the Spirit; in the spirit of his disciples,

for there was much spirit in these people,

and much spiritual thirst.

24            Soon John will be thrown into prison,

but for now he was still here.

25            There arose a dispute between John’s disciples

and a Jew about purifying.

26            The disciples approached John and complained:

Rabbi, he that was with you beyond Jordan,

the great water of purification, behold, all men are going to him,

yet you testified to him.

27            John just reminded them of his testimony, and added:

30            He must increase but I must decrease.

God does not give him the Spirit sparingly;

God loves him and has given him everything:

the water, the earth, fire, wind and ether,

in Spirit He possesses everything, and he sees eternal life;

and from those who do not believe in Him he will take away everything.

They will not see eternal life,

the fire burns them and eternally they thirst for him;

will God’s wrath stay in them forever?

31            He that comes from above is above all.

he that is of the earth is earthly,

and speaks of the earth;

only he that comes from above is above all.

32            He testifies to that which he has seen and heard;

and no man receives his testimony.


33            He who receives His testimony sets his seal to this,

that God is true.

34            For he whom God has sent utters the words of God,

his Spirit is divine.

35            The Father loves the Son and has given all things into his hand,

for God loves him as God is all to him.

36            He who believes in the Son of God,

has eternal life, eternal love;

he who does not obey the Son,

believes in his own eternal suffering,

in the eternal wrath of God in himself.

Will it rest eternally on him?


                And when this happened, Jesus left Judea.


Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: 3.23 – 3.36






















8.1           The one who tempted fate today by pushing away

his shield, himself,

now goes forth to be alone with God on the Mount of Olives.

2             In the morning he returns to the temple,

and the people gather, sit at his feet,

and are taught.

3              Then; somewhat victoriously,

almost solemnly but in hidden hatred,

the Pharisees and scribes bring him

a woman caught in adultery;

they place her in the middle of the crowd,

and say to him:


8.4           Teacher, this woman has just been caught in adultery,

5              we know what Moses says! What do you say?

6              And he bends down and writes on the ground with his finger.

7              When they ask him again he straightens up and says to them:

Let any one of you who is without sin

be the first to throw a stone at her.


Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: 8.1 – 8.7




















The story of Judas and Simon Peter

(a gnostic gospel)


The story of Judas and Simon Peter,

as seen by another disciple,

whom Jesus loved most of all..


The Paradise Garden

Judas dreamt while he dozed,

no longer could he sleep as he had once been able,

for he saw only with the eyes of this world:


18.1         He crossed the Kidron Valley,

the cleansing water,

into a garden, beautiful as paradise;

Jesus liked to go there with his disciples;

maybe this had once been the Garden of Eden,

at least he was there to remind them of the hours,

they had spent with him;

near heaven.


In the garden he is alone,

the unrest in His soul is growing


is mingled with pain,


what this could be,

he had no idea.


Is this all?

Is not his mission,

to spread the Word,

knowledge of God – gnosis,

divine understanding

of the soul’s immortality,

his values of

truth, freedom and love?




14.21       Whoever has my commands,

and obeys them,

he is the one,

who loves me;

he who loves me,

will be loved by my Father,

and I will love him,

and show him:


10.34       Jesus: »Is it not written in you Law:

                        I have said you are gods.

10.35       Can the Scripture be broken by stones?

Can you refute that he has called you: gods;

those to whom the word of God has come,

those who hear it within themselves.

Will you shower all this with stones?

10.36       What about the one whom the Father set apart

as his very own and sent into the world?

Why do you accuse me of blasphemy

because I said: I am God’s Son?

10.37       If I do not do what my Father does you believe me;

10.38       But if I do it you do not believe me.

            If you do not believe me, at least believe the miracles:

            and maybe you will see that the Father is in me and I in the Father.

            Maybe you will see that I am here,

            so that you may realise you are gods,

            for God is in you, and you are in God.«


His spirit spoke unto him:

»You have been chosen Judas for a task more difficult;

you are stronger than the others in spirit,

in spirit you have stepped into my presence,

now the prince of this world will come into you.«


18.2       He had to go there,

18.3       what if he did not go?

That he could no longer do;

for Judas now had no free will,

now he was there with a mob,

carrying torches and lanterns,

and ordinary weapons;

hardly could it be said,

that he came with fire and sword, and

with light, which dispels the dark of night.

18.4       Jesus steps out towards them,

his voice thunders into the night:

»Who is it you want?«

18.5       They reply: »Jesus of Nazareth.«

He says: »I am he!«

18.6         But when he said this to them, they were so afraid,

that they drew back and fell to the ground;

Judas, his betrayer, fell with them.

Such power had his disciples not seen before,

for he had not shown it before. The night was still strong.

18.7       Again He asks them: »Who is it you want?«

They reply: »Jesus of Nazareth.«

18.8         »If you seek me, I am here;

then let these men go.«

This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled:

»I have not lost one of those you gave me.«

18.9       And Judas could then have left, and all his disciples too.

And two persons in Judas could then have left, but not the third. And he could not leave, and they could not yet leave, for here was a greater drama; this drama was from the Father. And he had to

lose one of them, he had to lose part of himself.

18.10       Simon Peter had one of the two swords,

which he drew and struck the high priest’s servant, cutting off his ear;

the servant’s name was Malchus.

18.11       Then Jesus said to Peter: »Shall I not drink the cup

the Father has given me? Put your sword away!«


A cold wind blew, the march began; this was the march

of hatred, betrayal, contempt; everything that fills the human

soul; this was the spirit of the wind, which blows on earth when,

love, its symbol, is bound. It will infect all,

penetrating the souls of his disciples; but that is how it had to

be. The cold settled on those present.


The world chose Judas to be a symbol for the betrayal of God

(Simon Peter’s betrayal was seen by no-one).

Judas handed Jesus over to the Jews

(he was a Jew and no-one wanted to see this).

He has been exculpating the world of its most ignoble deeds,

for over two thousand years, with revenge for the betrayal

(which it was not).

He was not the prince of this world – SELF-APPOINTED!




The scent of nard

fills him with dread,

has it begun,



He carried a purse, which hung from his neck,

so they had something to eat;

for their body

was he to lose his soul?


Why do they not see

the mission which

only Judas could fulfil?


Judas, the only one among them,

can not refer to it,

if he did, he would only be a traitor.


Did they then want,

Him not to die,

to stay alone

in this world?


They did not see,

how his soul thirsted

for eternal life.


They did not hear,

him call them to himself,

when he left them.


If they did hear,

they did not understand,

that now the verdict

of the world is such,

that the prince of this world

will be freed from his little shell,

thrown out of this world.


How could they understand,

that that is his mission:

when Judas stepped clean

before His spirit,

he saw him with spiritual eyes

and heard what would be done to him.

12.1         Those little signs, harbingers of important events,

which one usually does not see,

and if he sees them, only remembers them vaguely, remembers that

he he has already seen them, appeared to Him clearly, one after another.

12.2         The dinner with Lazarus was the first;

Martha served while Lazarus was among those

reclining at table with him; that much he saw.

12.3         Mary takes a pint of pure nard, an expensive

perfume, pours it on Jesus’ feet and wipes them

with her hair: and the house was filled with the fragrance of the

perfume, it was full of its smell.

12.4         Judas Iscariot son of Simon could not help


12.5         »Why wasn’t this perfume sold for a year’s wages,

and the money given to the poor?«

12.7             Jesus: Leave her alone; it was intended that she should

12.8             save this perfume for the

day of my burial.

12.8       You will always have the poor among you, but you will

not always have me.«


12.24     »I tell you the truth:

Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,

it remains only a single seed;

But if it dies, it produces

many seeds.


12.25       The man who loves his soul,

will keep it for eternal life;

but the man who hates his soul,

will lose it already in this world, it grows dark;

but the man who truly loves,

does not love for this world.


12.27       Now my heart is troubled,

and what shall I say?

Father, save me from this shell*!

But no,

for that is why I have come,

the way has been so long,

for me to reach this point.

Only a little and I would say the last prayer:

O God, save me from this world! 

12.31       Now is the time for judgement on this world,

now the prince of this world will be driven out.

12.32       But I, when I am lifted up from the earth,

will draw all men to myself«


12.33       Sorrow then fills his soul.

This he told them, that they might understand

his death:

what it is,

why he must die,

how he will die.

12.34       But they did not understand him.

12.35       And again for the umpteenth time he says to them:

»You are going to have the light just a little while longer;

walk while you have the light,

before darkness overtakes you;

the man who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.


12.36       Put your trust in the light while you have it,

so that you may become

sons of light.«

And again sorrow fills his soul.

No-one saw him and no-one heard him;

no-one could see His soul;

only one, who truly loved him.

12.37       Sorrow takes over His soul,

all the miracles, all His works,

was all this in vain?

12.38       This was to fulfil the word of Isaiah the prophet;

His last child, his meaning:

»Lord, who has believed our message?

And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?«


12.40       »He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts,

so they can neither see with their eyes nor understand with their hearts,

and I would heal them.«

They did not look with the eyes of the spirit,

nor listen to their inner voice,

they did not understand with their hearts,

they did not step out of themselves, their shell;

who could illumine their understanding?

12.41       So spoke the prophet Isaiah because he saw

Jesus’ glory and spoke about him:

12.49       »I did not speak of my own accord but the Father commanded me

what to say.

12.50       The eternal life of the soul,

is not my command, it speaks: for itself.«



is the death of love,

with it something in everyone dies.

But no-one on this earth

felt it as bitterly as Judas.


The first of the disciples

was Judas to betray him,

the first of them

to reach the heavenly kingdom.


He did it fast,

as he commanded:

he betrayed him thrice truly;

he was chosen for the betrayal:

he was chosen by Jesus (at the Last Supper),

chosen in spirit (when his spirit entered him),

chosen by his fate (for it had to be so,

for the old prophecy to be fulfilled);


and yet:

this was not betrayal according to his will,

truly he did not cease to love Jesus,

he loved him as,

he really was.


He gave his life for his friend,

he gave him his light,

there is no greater value than this.

He is the son of light, not the night.


13.1         He now knew with certainty this was his last

meal, it was before the Passover Feast that he ate

the last supper with them.

He knew that his day had come;

he knew he was now leaving those he had loved;

he knew he now stood before the final manifestation of his


Will he be able to love his betrayer;

will he love until the end?

This he knew not with as much certainty because he

knew he had been sacrificed, by Him.

13.2         It was the devil himself who prompted Iscariot to

carry out the evil betrayal.

Will he be able to love until the end.

13.3       He knew he had been sent to now go to the very end;

and he knew that He had given him the grace of the trial.

Jesus stands up, knowing that the Father has placed all things in his hands,

that he can now return to God, whole.

13.4         He got up from the meal and took off his outer clothing;

so he may return clean from where he had come.

13.5         He wraps a towel around his waist,

and washes his disciples’ feet;

drying them with the towel,

which was round his waist.

When he has done this to all his disciples,

humbling himself before them,

he is an example of humility to them;

for even in a higher life this virtue is not all clean,

never to the end;

he wanted it too much.

13.6         When he came to Simon Peter, Simon could not allow it.

Simon Peter: »Lord, you shall wash my feet?«


13.7         Jesus: »You do not realise now what I am doing,

but later you will understand.«

13.8       Simon Peter: »No, you shall never wash my feet.«

Peter would swear by eternity to refuse;

refuse the humbling of Him before him.

13.9       And Simon Peter asks him to wash his whole body:

his hands, his head, his body; not just his feet!


13.10     Jesus tells him:

»Water cleans, cleans everything,

water is like purity itself.

But the water you cannot see is even cleaner,

it cleans your soul.

The water with which I clean your feet,

it cleans my soul.

Will you deny me that?

Is that not your debt and your portion?

Whoever has been truly cleaned in water,

cleaned in the bath of purification,

is truly clean,

is all clean;

ne potrebuje,


does not need,

to clean his feet alone,

which bear the dust of vanity,

climbing stairs,

hurrying upwards;

treading on what they do not see;

and what they do not see they trample underfoot.

You can be all clean through purification,

but not necessarily.

You are clean, but not all of you.

May no-one believe,

that he is clean for eternity.

No-one is all clean,

but may he not think,

we are all unclean;

you are not all equally unclean,

I too am not all clean.«


13.11       He knew himself,

and his betrayer,

and the betrayer within himself.

13.12       He cleaned their feet,

put on his clothes,

returned to his place and asked them:

»Do you understand what I have said to you?

You do not yet understand but you will see.


13.13       You call me: Teacher and Lord;

and rightly so for that is what I am,

but not only that.

13.14       If I your Teacher and your Lord have cleaned your feet;

you also should wash one another’s feet.

13.15       I have set you an example, shown you my way, that

you too may clean yourselves; and I have given you an insight into us.

13.16       I tell you the truth:

no servant is greater than his master.

But first the former must be true, that the

second may twice be true.

The messenger is not greater than the One who sent him.

13.17       Blessed are you if you know this and abide by it,

you will surpass your freedom.

13.18       I am not referring to all of you,

but I am speaking to all of you:

I know those I have chosen,

and I know whom I have chosen.

I know who will be first and who will be second in you;

and I know which one of you will be first and which one second.

I know how you come furthest,

by following your own path.

That is why I now say: Scripture must be fulfilled:

“He who has shared my bread has lifted

up his heel against me.”

13.19       I am telling you now before it happens,

so that when it does happen you will see that I am He,

who was sent;

13.20       and he, who accepts me, accepts me as I

was sent by Him; and accepts Him who sent me.«


13.21       After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit,

he saw that they did not understand,

then he testified:

»I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me.

Quite truly one of the three in you will betray me,

from the three persons in you he will betray me;

and one will be first; when he does this,

all the rest of you will also do this, some of you more than once;

that you may see. If you know this, blessed are you who do this,

for you have surpassed yourselves.

If someone betrays,

he betrays your love, and his own;

this is as if he dies twice,

as if you died in him, he in you;

it is as if love died twice truly;

love dies in him and in you,

love separates from the love in Him.«


The more he told them, the greater his sorrow.

They did not understand, he had to speak to them with his body,

with the mouth to the son of man:

»What has already happened must happen again;

you do not see it yet but you will see it when it happens.

I have done this; and whoever accepts me as I am,

accepts me in truth,

and accepts the Father who sent me.

 “He who shares my bread has lifted up his heel

against me”; but he had to do this because he has done this

already, even before it happened, as you would say.

He will be the first to do this, as you will after him.«


13.22       His disciples stared at one another,

at a loss to know which of them he meant.

They do not consider themselves.


13.23     One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved,

was reclining next to him.

13.24       Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said:

»Ask him which one he means.«

13.25       The suspicion of love is green in colour, and follows it like a shadow;

the disciple whom Jesus loved leans back against Jesus;

and he was what he truly was and nothing else

was to be said to him;

and still he replies to Simon Peter: »It is He alone who tells us,

who could be that me.«

And to Him: »Lord, who is it?«

13.26       Jesus dips his piece of bread and answers: »It is he to whom I will give it.«

He gave it to Judas Iscariot son of Simon.


13.27     Bitter was the morsel of Judas Iscariot son of Simon,

when he ate the morsel, his body,

Judas in Judas became dark, the symbol of the angel of darkness.

He was chosen to betray.

And Judas betrayed him, he betrayed Him three times truly, he betrayed him completely.

It was his fate that betrayed him,

in his spirit he betrayed him,

he was the angel of darkness when he betrayed Him;

and he will govern him.

He will govern with deceit and in secrecy,

with a treacherous conspiracy,

with a sublime betrayal;

he will govern at the denunciation of each man by every other,

for a long time yet.

Sorrowful and long is the story of Judas,

that is why Jesus also said to him:

»What you are about to do, do quickly.«

13.28     No-one at the meal understood him.

They asked: »Why did he say this?«

Only he who reclined next to him

saw much.

13.29       Some of the disciples thought

that since Judas had charge of the money, Jesus was telling him:

»Buy what is needed for the Feast.«

And truly for the Feast, much of this was needed,

to make the Feast, what it became.

The others understood it thus: that Judas betrayed,

because he fell in love with money, because he made money

his love;

did not in truth Judas chose this himself, but earlier,

when he still could choose?

Then he could chose no longer for it was already

chosen, no longer was it in his power;

when He chose him to be the prince of this world.

Some of them saw from entirely elsewhere:

that Judas may be giving to the poor;

and what did the poor in spirit need more than this:

to see what betrayal in truth truly is,

and whom it serves?

13.30     Judas, after eating his morsel, leaves at once;

it was already dark that evening.

Now some of the disciples thought,

that since Judas had left with the purse,

it was riches that had got the better of him;

and truly he looked after them, so they did not need to;

is it not most difficult to be pure in heart,

if you worry constantly for the money hanging around

your neck, the purse on your breast?

The night was truly dark that day,

and it would be hard to see everything.

But one of them saw much more.

It was He who gave him the sight,

to see with a pure heart.

He saw more than he could report.

And how could anyone report everything that he saw?

No-one can do this, no-one has ever been able to do this,

no-one has seen Everything.

And how could he report more than He wanted?

It was night-time, the dawn was yet far for them,

and the first, who was chosen, had already left.

And He, while he told them these things,

was troubled in spirit,

for he knew they would not understand;

he will have to talk to them with the body,

with the mouth to the son of man:

13.31     »Now is the Son of Man glorified and

God is glorified in him!

13.32       And if God is glorified in him,

whom he chose to betray,

then God too glorifies him in Himself,

glorifies him infinitely.

13.33       My children, I will be with you only a little longer,

but as you cannot go with me, although you can go far,

I can also say to you now:

13.34       You will come furthest with love in yourselves, in your hearts.

In truth I tell you, this is how you come far:

love one another,

love the group of three in yourself,

love one another as I loved you in myself;

love one another with all your heart.

13.35       The other recognises himself in you by loving,

and by love too you recognise yourselves,

that you all love within yourselves.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you truly love one another.

As a spiritual eye can see its own eye:

like the eye of a stranger who does not see;

so the spiritual heart can feel its heart:

as a foreign heart which does not love.

Only true spiritual love can truly

begin to feel divine love.«


13.36       Simon Peter: »Lord, where are you going?«

Jesus: »Where I am going, you cannot follow now;

but you will follow later.«

13.37       Peter: »Lord, why can’t I follow you now?«

Peter was desperate,

sincere in his desperation,

he cries and pleads: »Do not go!

I will lay down my life for you.«

13.38       He looks at him sorrowfully then says to him compassionately:

»Will you really lay down your life for me?

But were it now, you would choose the easier path, Peter.

You will continue to disown your love,

you declare it too easily, that is why you will renounce it within yourself;

and you will see your pain when you do this:

three times you will disown your love.

Truly I liked this sincerity of yours.«

The Shepherd


»You are as hard as a rock,

Simon, son of John,

your name will be Cephas

(Peter for us),«

said Jesus to him

when they first met.


But when they last met:

»Someone else will dress you,

and lead you where,

you do not want to go.«


He built a church

as solid as rock,

he took care of his sheep.


And when he grew old,

he looked back at his life;

became troubled in the spirit,

that was His sadness in him.


Peter was not free,

someone else led him,

where he did not want to go himself.


Now he knew who

dressed him and saw that

he did not look after His sheep.


In his ears echoed

the Words of His anger:

»Shall I not drunk of the cup

given me by my Father?

Put away your sword!«


If he had not stopped them they would have killed them all.

That may have been better for him.

But it could not be that way.


The world accepted faith in miracles,

truly they were grateful for it and the hope

in life eternal,

for a mighty house, built on rock;

but his love they first betrayed;

they trade with a god, they are interested in power and authority,

there is nowhere on this earth,

that its hand cannot reach;

those who followed His commands they betrayed, killed,

led, started wars, in the name of god,

burnt holy scriptures, nonbelievers,

but first the gnostics, the seekers of the truth,

the true seekers of God.


11.46       Some of them went to the Pharisees

to tell them what Jesus had done.

11.47     When the chief priests and the Pharisees

find out about this miracle,

they are filled with panic.

Now this was serious,

their power was at stake.

Immediately they call a meeting of the Sanhedrin,

and discuss like this:

11.48       »What is this man doing?

He is now even bringing the dead back to life?

What shall we do?

If we leave him just a little longer,

no-one will believe us?

Does anyone still believe us?

The Romans will come with their army,

take everything from us,

our land and our people.«


11.49       One of them, Caiaphas;

was elected

that unfortunate year

to be high priest;

he spoke differently,

like this:

»You know nothing at all!

11.50     And neither do you think much;

otherwise you would know that it is better for you,

if this man dies for you;

if he dies for the nation,

the whole nation will not die.«

11.51     But he did not say this just like that,

he did not say this

on his own.

This was his prophecy,

which he said for that year,

because the high priest it was,

who made the official prophecy;

this is what he said:

11.52       »Jesus will die for the nation;

and not just for this nation,

but for all nations,

for the scattered children of God;

He makes them one.

Each nation is individuality on its own,

none of them is outside God,

they are one with Him.«

They did not even listen to all he had to say,

they did not even take his prophecies very seriously;

they had something more important to do.


18.15       Simon Peter followed Jesus, he was the first to

promise, that he will not betray him, that he would sooner die.

Through the door they went into the high priest’s courtyard.

18.16       Peter stayed outside, at the door, another disciple,

darker than Peter, went with Him.

When he comes out, from the courtyard, the other disciple, an acquaintance of the high

priest, loyal to him, saw the girl on duty who knows,

who comes and who leaves through the door;

then the other darker disciple brings

in the first one who was Simon Peter.

18.17       The girl at the door then says to Peter:

»You are not one of his disciples are you?«

Peter: »I am not.«

And he was cold, and he felt so alone

now Peter.

18.18       The servants and officials made a fire because they too were cold.

They stood around the fire and warmed themselves;

Peter too stood with them and warmed himself,

but he got no warmer, he could not, because the wind really blew cold.

18.24       Then Annas sent him, still bound, to

Caiaphas the high priest.

18.25       Still Simon Peter tries to warm himself by the fire;

when they, who stand round the fire, ask him:

»Are you not one of his disciples?«

He says: »I am not.«

And he was grey, even darker now, Peter.


18.26       And the torment was not over for Simon Peter. Here was

a servant, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off.

He asks him: »Did I not see you in the garden

with him?«

18.27     »You didn’t.«

Peter denied him completely, and the cock crew,

the dawn was near, but so far for him.

A terrible fire swept through his soul.

»O Father, that I could burn it,«

pleaded Peter, how softly grey is his colour.


21.15     When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter:

»Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?«

Simon Peter answered: »Yes Lord, you know,

that I love you.«

Jesus said: »Take care of my sheep.«

21.16       Again Jesus asked: »Simon son of John, do you love me?«

Simon Peter answered: »Yes Lord, you know that I love you.«

Jesus said: »Take care of my sheep.«

21.17       The third time he said to him: »Simon son of John, do you love me?«

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time:

»Do you love me?« He said to Him:

»Lord, you know all things; you know,

that I love you.«

Jesus said: »Feed my sheep.«

21.18       Again there was silence, for the third time, but the atmosphere was not

heavy, just earnest; then Jesus said to Peter:

»I tell you the truth:

When you were a child,

you were free;

you dressed yourself,

and went where you wanted;

you were truly free

to go where you wanted to go;

but when you are old,

you will stretch out your hands,

your hands which reach far;

and someone else will dress you

and lead you where you do not want to go.«


Jesus also told him many other things,

but whether Simon heard them then cannot be

said, but he will hear them, he will certainly hear them.

The other disciple heard them because Jesus

loved him most, and he loved Him in truth.

By his love the disciple saw; His love

he understood it all. This was love in the three worlds of the soul,

the individualities of Himself and Him.


If God wrapped His Divinity thrice,

he did it so that each man could unwrap it in himself.

Jesus showed them this on himself, from himself, from his heart,

so they would see that it is no different for them.

When he was still a child, Peter saw the divine spark in himself;

he tended the sheep like a child of God.

Then Peter forgot; and he would have completely forgotten,

had Jesus not come to rouse his depths,

to show him the translucency of all the layers: of his soul.

He shone light on his love:

the love of the son of man;

the love of the spirit of man, love pure and spiritual;

the divine love of man, the brightest, the brightest

in man, his soul; that is seen only by the spirit of man when

he is pure.

Whoever loves not cannot see;

whoever cannot see, knows not of his path, of his freedom.

And Jesus said to Peter: »Be not a guide,

as any man can be who cannot see,

who does not love;

be not a guide as any man can be who is of

clear spirit but who does not love;

be a guide who follows the divine spark within but not

in the manner of any man of sharp wit but who does not love;

love like a child of God for such are my sheep.

Tend my sheep, they are the children of God.

You fished where there were no fish;

wide was your reach, your spirit was darkening;

but you were brave, truly you were,

though that is what draws you where you do not want to go;

then you must go there, then you are you no longer, and you are not free.«


21.19       This he told him to show him his way;

all the way till his death Peter could see,

and the abysses which draw him, and His sacrifice,

with which he celebrated God, he could see.

And when he told him this and saw that Peter did not see,

that he loves him not enough, he only said:

»Follow me!«

21.20       Peter turned around,

and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved,

following them,

this was the one who caused him so much pain,

who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper

and who asked Him:

»Lord, who is going to betray you?«

Deep in his soul was engraved this word,

it was engraved thrice.

21.21     When Peter sees him following Jesus he says:

»Lord, what about him?«

His voice said more:

suspicious of love,


openly hateful was his voice,

and grey, dark in colour.

21.22       Jesus answered: »If I want him to remain alive...

until I return,

just for you,

what is that to you?

You must follow me!

Do not take notice of the others; don’t look at others like that,

don’t wait for their love.

He goes alone,

he is not someone you must tend.«







































































Pilate's dreams


Pilate's dreams


That night was a strange night,

one of those that give no sleep.

The eye saw nothing,

and yet he knew that something was in the air,

the wind blew more softly in the treetops,

it wanted to tell him something, but what?


He did not like talking to the people,

he was a foreigner to himself.

Pilate would talk to the dog,

who taught him love,

for people and beings that are not people;

but that night he could not speak with anybody,

not even with himself.

Pilate lay tired,

perhaps he would sleep a little.


 He dreamt,

Pilate dreamt the strangest dreams he had ever dreamt;

he dreamt solitude.

He was alone that night,

the night before the night of preparation;

and on the second night, the night of preparation,

he was even more alone;

and on the third night, the Great Night, [translation of Easter in Slovenian]

he was more alone than he could possibly say.

Pilate dreamt that on that night he did not sleep a wink,

that he returned to his thoughts, his more intimate speech,

made efforts to stay in it;

he wanted to leave it all behind,

but he could not, it was in him;







if he could fall asleep, depart into the world of sleep,

and the next world that sleep does not reach,

as he did all the other nights of the days,

leading up to the day he met Him.


There was something in Him,

that his experienced eye had never seen

before in a man,

and he had known so many people.


Again now he dreams the anguish of solitude:

His disciples had departed together,

but each one of them was alone;

but not one of them was as alone

as he was.

Only he knew, without believing the miracles,

he alone needed no miracles,

and therefore was so terribly:



Still in his dreams Pilate said:

I will forget these dreams. Pilate knew how to give orders

to his spirit of the night which dreams follow.

Then Pilate moved to the world beyond dreams,

he fell into a deep sleep.


He got up feeling strong and was pleased about that,

for a hard day was ahead of him.

Reports brought to him spoke of,

unrest amongst the Jews; some mentioned the possibility of rebellion,

but Pilate knew that there was no danger of this, that this was the report of those, who desired praise and even more so advancement.

He did not remember his dreams so the order had been fulfilled.






Pilate’s second night


Pilate did not sleep a wink that night.

He pondered;

and again he tried desperately to fall asleep,

to forget everything that had happened that day,

and follow the day with the morning,

like all other days,

that had preceded the day he met Him.

There was something in Him,

that his experienced eye had never seen before in a man

and he had known so many people.

And neither could he be certain:

did he not already know him from somewhere?

Perhaps he had dreamt about him, but no;

Pilate would remember such dreams.

He attached much importance to dreams, no less than to everyday reality;

in his dreams he made out reality twice as real.

If someone prefers dreams to reality,

then dreams are more real for him than reality itself,

this is what Pilate thought so as not to start dreaming during the day,

to remain on firm ground; for even wonderful dreams,

in which you are free; have the deficiency;

that in them you draw and erase yourself, as your free will


But everyday reality is tough, it is not so easy to blot out

the record of one’s actions.


Pilate began to question himself,

the one whom he could best rely on,

whose thoughts he attached the most importance to.

When today did I make that great mistake?

When did I miss my opportunity,

to act better, more elegantly,

for even the aesthetics of the judgement,

was important for Pilate, seeing as justice was escaping him.

There was here one thought he could not influence;

it festered in his head which was tired of the weight of the life,

he had taken upon himself for the sake of some faint glory;

it threatened to destroy the purpose of all his efforts,

his whole life:

I have done this man an injustice;

but he is not the first one I have done this to,

could he be the last man?

Is he then the one I have judged,

so important to me for that reason?


As he thought these thoughts he knew he was close.

This thought for the man was the key,

perhaps it contained the answer to his questions?

He knew now he would find,

he must just ask the correct question.

Did I ever even try to believe him?

No, I never believed him.

And if I believed him?

Then he would lead the trial and I,

I would be his plaything.

For he was not alone.

He did not control himself.

There was a sorrow, a yearning in his eyes;

but Pilate was not used to seeing this,

certainly not in trials.

Each man that stood before him,

was afraid of his power;

fear shone from the eyes of those on trial.

But not this man,

he was different again.

He was not afraid,

Pilate was certain of this,

he was not afraid of death,

he did not even fear God.

But I,

drew from the depths of my imagination and addressed the crowd

with some beautiful, really beautiful words.

These words were full of magical power,

which had an effect on the crowd,

all those masses,

the whole mob.

But these words had no effect on them, none at all.

But perhaps one of them did have some effect, and it was:


Behold, the man!

Did he not look at me somewhat differently,

when I said those words?

What did he want to say, what did his eyes say?

Did he want to say: You cannot treat a man this way.


But maybe he was not sure in himself,

if he is a man, if he is a king:

what else could he be?

What would he be for himself,

what was he for himself truly?

But I did not say: Behold, he is only a man!

Nor did I say: Behold, he is a man!

However, Pilate could not delude himself;

his tone of voice said it all,

more than the words themselves.

And when did I speak with him?

wondered Pilate,


The conversation was of one person who has power and is deaf,

with another who has no power;

and yet he has it, he exudes it as if he were the king of kings.

He said most to Pilate through his silence;

and his silence was deepest twice.

Twice he insulted Pilate,

as no man before had ever insulted him,

and only twice had Pilate in all his proud life been,

truly insulted:

and I heard him not, understood Pilate, not because

he truly hurt my pride,

I did not hear him because in his speech of silence

I did not listen to him.

Was this a different kind of offence, from the bottom of the soul, which closed my eyes and ears, and I did not hear him through it?

Now Pilate knew he should have spoken with him;

he should have investigated this man’s thoughts.

For he knew nothing about him;

not even how many in number are those that are truly with him.

All these reports about him; reports from the best secret service,

anyone ever had in the Roman Empire, which was his;

are empty.

They are abundant, but empty;

they said nothing about him, the man;

about what he is, nothing;

about all else yes,

about trifles and minutiae,

and more than about these things, about the blindness of the reporters, their miserable intellect.

It is sad to rule with the weapon of secrecy;

in secrecy power is extreme, all the power of the empire, its organisation is based on it.

But it is so sad to rule through a denunciation, with the fear it inspires;

to rule this way is treacherous, but that is not the worst;

to rule this way is miserable,

when you think you see everything, you see nothing more,

to rule like this is blind.


In his thoughts Pilate approached him:

cleansed of the pride of power, sad, poor;

robbed of his life’s meaning;

tired of one night’s thoughts,

he had not had thoughts this heavy before this night.

A strange feeling hitherto unknown to him:

Pilate was free,

he had never been so free,

he knew not that freedom can be felt,

he had never felt it this way.


Pilate had once been so proud of his freedom;

but now he knew he did not know what it was,

he had no idea what it was.

When he thought he knew more about it than all the rest;

he was the first in the empire,

in terms of freedom to act;

all his life he had subjected to free will,

he acted according to it, and he could make the empire act,

according to it but he did not want that,

for he wanted more,

and in this way he was unique;

and this meant more to him,

than if he was in charge of the court in Rome.


This man had the power,

to take from him the most precious thing he had,

at least that is what he thought until that day;

he took his self away;

his proud self.

Now Pilate knew he would stop the tumult of thoughts,

that threatened to take his night and the sleep he needed so badly,

and dreams,

and what is beyond dreams.




Pilate’s dreams


He was alone,

he waited for him, he knew he would come.

Unfinished, and yet explicit thoughts

were those that tormented Pilate;

and brought him to Him;

he was now clean,

purified of the burden of his knowledge,

which was not small.


They looked at each other and conversed in silence.

There were no apologies, no repentance;

perhaps only tears,

not even that,

only Pilate’s dreamy eyes threatened,

to water,

and blur their sight

even further.


They were this way,

with each another,

they told themselves about the other,

and there is no witness that could testify,

to their dialogue.

The witness was their dialogue:



Will he ever be able to separate himself from Him,

wondered Pilate?

But He only kept looking at him,

perhaps a little more deeply.

Pilate wanted to verify what he felt,

and they exchanged a few sentences;

after an hour of silence and gazing they sounded so strange.

Then Pilate left Him.


Pilate went away,

and those two tears dropped,

onto the prison floor,

they were bright as sparks,

at least that is how the sentinel saw them.




The dream report


In the report of the empire’s secret police,

the one that was charged to keep an eye on Pilate,

the one he knew about but which did not trouble him,

for such are the rules of this sombre game,

everything was written.


Pilate attentively read both versions,

although it could be said that these were two reports

on the same subject.

So both of them could not be used;

he would decide later,

which one was the right one.

He said to himself:

if anyone understands this, fine,

it’s fine with me.


In the first version of the secret reporter,

who was, incidentally, the best,

in the empire,

and he really was not bad,

but how could he record silence?

So everything that was written in the first version,

was of no importance at all for the second.

And everything that was written in the second version,

was of no importance for the first,

for everything had already been written in it.



It was written ...




























Interrogation before execution


Interrogator: Pilate alone, in person

Person interrogated: incriminated Nazarene – Roman


Pilate My knowledge of free will then was not mistaken,

I understood it correctly?

Nazarene Yes.

Pilate Does not free will then contradict divine will?

Nazarene No.

Pilate Did God give man free will, did he create him this way?

Nazarene He did not give it to him and he does not take it from him; he did not create him this way; he is more than a creation, he is the one who created; he is that which he created.

Pilate Are free will and divine will the same then, there being no difference between them, is this the same will?

Nazarene It matters not, as you say, they may be confounded and this is often done, but they are not the same.

They are not the same for you but they become the same; but there is still a long way to go as you would say.

In truth it is here, ever-present, man just cannot reach it.

Pilate And those who say they act according to it, according to the highest will, do they deceive?

Nazarene They do not deceive him, they do not deceive me, and they would find it hard to deceive you too.

They deceive themselves, but it is most difficult to deceive your own self.

Pilate I think I understand now.

Nazarene Now you understand. But you do not understand once and for all times; your understanding disappears, with every breath of yours it evaporates like your breath and the very next moment you feel you do not understand that you have never understood. But once you find it, you can always find it if you want.



Pilate It matters not so much then what we call it but what we fill it with, the certainty with which we feel it. No-one else can tell us this.

Nazarene Your path is the path of free will even if it has made a somewhat unusual beginning. But it could not end; if someone really desires it, it will soar up. It will soar up on its own, it will soar up because it is free and it will soar up into infinity, towards Him.

In infinity all paths come together.

Pilate Into one path? You will now go down the path of suffering, you will be tortured, crucified, according to your own free will?

Nazarene That is His will, the will of God the Father, but you should look for my free will elsewhere. You would say it is far and before I came to fulfil it; that was my free will and before it came yearning. But you would call yearning desire,

but it is no longer desire because it is infinitely more than desire.

What you see is His will.

Pilate Could you act differently, more freely, in your mission?

Nazarene You mean could I die in a different way?

I could depart in a different way but tell me now:

would I then fulfil my mission?

If you see my way, my yearning, it is brighter than the way itself.

You would again say that I desired more than I could have.

What about them, what is their freedom?

They could do what they wanted; they could manage this path,

the path of love was close to them;

They came closest to Him along this path.

Pilate Another thing torments me.

Nazarene I know, just say it, it will do you good.

Pilate If you have seen that it has already happened, what must inevitably happen, what is yet to happen for us, then at least in this you have no freedom;

you could not act any differently.

Nazarene If I truly wanted I could have acted differently;

but then I would see things differently too.

Pilate Then you too are not perfect?



Nazarene No. No-one can be perfect on this earth, if they were,

they would not end up on it.

Pilate Not even with a mission?

Nazarene No.

Pilate You came with the mission to give them meaning again, meaning which has grown pale for them, is that not the perfect mission?

Nazarene That was my path, if you see it, if you see the path then you see my imperfection, you see the whole path: from its beginning up until now,

where is perfection here?

Pilate Your path at the beginning is less perfect to show them the way ahead, they can only see this way; but it was the path of incredible freedom; the path of free will is bright, ever brighter.

Nazarene My way was the way of love;

it was a free way

the only true way for me.

In Him this is one way, only He is perfect.

Pilate But our guilt remains; and it is greater, why is that so?

Nazarene No-one with the greater good in himself can excuse

his baser meanness. Each level of the self must be purified, must act according to itself, according to its level, it is here.

Appealing to God on every occasion is as though,

He were here, that we would appeal to him, take Him into our accounts.

Pilate Most of our mistakes are: here.

Nazarene Perhaps sometimes some people learn something from them, but not even that excuses them.

You cannot wash your hands with invisible water if you have dirtied them in filthy water.

I too do not wash them with twice invisible,

truly clean water.

Pilate Do you mean Judas’ sacrifice?

Nazarene Yes, that is what I have in mind.

Pilate God is with you.



Nazarene And I am not with him.

Pilate That is your strength?

Nazarene That is my path.

That is the path of my free will,

from far yonder where your understanding does not reach, but it will; mine will also reach itself.

Pilate You see that too?

Nazarene I see it.

But it will be of no use to you if I tell you.

Remember: what I told you must not be of any use to you.




Before Pilate left Him,

two human tears filled his eyes;

they did not glisten,

no-one saw them.

They were not recorded

they were his alone.


Now Pilate was alone again.

Pilate was only left with these two tears.

But these two tears were truly only his.


Now he knew he too had betrayed him.

How could he delude himself and say

he did not write the report himself,




Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: ZGODBA O PILATU I










His farewell message


His farewell message

About them, about him and about the others 


Pilate This report is so strange, it seems unlikely; does this

change anything about him, the report, I mean?


He It changes nothing about him, nor in him,

you may write it freely.

Pilate I cannot write it myself, I will have to ask you

about what I am unsure of.

He It does not matter if you ask me or yourself, in my name.

If you are not yet used to this, you may have your way, ask me,

do not hesitate, have no scruples.

Pilate I must report on how many are devoted to you, faithful to you, and who follow your path. But the most important is the number of your disciples.

There were twelve, then one left, or rather you sent him away,

and you were left with eleven; is that not so?

He It is not so. This counting is difficult. How will you count them if they are never all there; their number is constantly changing, it is not constant.

But let us try to reach an approximate number. It should be something like this:

They are not eleven but twelve; because the twelfth one did not leave in his entirety and he has not gone forever; although it is true that I sent him. In this case they are not twelve but thirteen, but the thirteenth does not yet know he is the thirteenth; and it is even more precise to say that he does not yet know in his entirety that he is my thirteenth disciple. But such counting is really very approximate. In reality there are many more of them. So each one of them is in three, they are three; and even this triplicity has a bright side and a dark side, that is why I suggest that you at least double them. After counting then, they number seventy eight. But maybe it is even more correct to count thirteen in each of them: twelve more. They then number one hundred and fifty; and they are rarely all in all. Some of them are always absent. I tell you this only so that you may see that counting them has no meaning; it makes no sense to count what in its essence is uncountable.




Pilate So may I write it down as follows: He had many disciples, but they cannot be counted. Each one of them was devoted to him and free in himself;

and in himself he was free and unfree, real and unreal, appealing and unappealing;

and he was lightly dark and darkly light in his soul;

and he was a more or less glowing spark, which lights and extinguishes itself at the same time. We could say that there were six of them in one.

But they were not six because their tone first flows into one and then another colour.

Then we could say that they were only three, in one; but neither can this be said because their triplicity is in their self; one.

But their We is much more complex in their We-dom.

Each of them already contains every one of them in spirit, their We-dom pervades each one of them.

But if we now keep to the possibility that they live eternally,

when they exist at the same time, when they do not yet exist for us,

and when they continue to exist although for us they no longer exist,

it will certainly suffice for you to realise that such a report cannot be understood, let alone written up.

May I conclude the report about their number by saying that they cannot be counted and that counting them has no meaning.

Would such a report be satisfactory?

He It should suffice for the report. Only one thing should be added in order to satisfy the truth. Their triplicity is one in their self; but their triplicity is not one in their I.

Pilate I would rather forget about this.

He But you should not, it is essential.

Pilate But now I must report on Your self, you are their leader and as such by far the most important.

He I doubt it will be so, but let us take things in the right order. After all, you know so much about me, more than any of you, more than the other disciples.

Pilate And this is precisely the problem. What should I report?

He Write what is necessary for the official report, such an insignificant part of you, your official role will know what this is.

Pilate The problem, I believe, lies in the fact that my official skin has forever lost its owner, I cannot get back inside it and if I try,

I am superfluous to it. I cannot say I have outgrown it but I will never again be a true official.

He I know this, Pilate, but you can easily write up the report.

Pilate I will try, but will make it very brief.

He is: Jesus of Nazareth, king of the Jews,

duke of this world, self-proclaimed,

who heard a voice within himself, about his mission.

He is: the Duke of the skies, son of the Lord of hosts,

son of the spirit of the exceptional.

During his life he spread his teaching to half the Roman Empire:

to the west as far as Greece and to the east as far as Asia.

His execution, the crucifixion of the dishonoured king of the Jews will, in my humble opinion, only serve to spread his teaching throughout the empire and further afield. Our only salvation is to accept his teaching, to incorporate it into our organisation, for the benefit of our power.

It is a worrying fact that the Jews could not do this, although it cannot be said that some influential ones among them did not see this.

So this has worked in our favour. But I don’t know if we will get through this trial any better. May I not be Pilate of Rome if I am mistaken in this.

He: the Son of God cannot even be seen, the Son of the only God.

His God is not the God whom he acknowledges; he is the God who is in him, in me, in you. You may not see this, but in my humble understanding I would advise against it; this is not a question of power and authority, it is a question of belief in oneself, the meaning of all our existence. The values he preaches are: truth, freedom, love and with it all others. They are so alive, especially the latter, that they far surpass the power of conviction of what we are familiar with, they are alive on their own. And they are eternal. So nothing can be done about them. And may I not be a living being, may I not be a stone if I am wrong. He is not on this earth for the first time. He knows him as he is, as he was and as he will be. He knows him by himself, by his essence; but he also knows him through others and through God.

Is this enough for the report, Pilate asked him?

He To please me you could also add what I am even without

my mission.

Pilate But even he is a very ordinary man, perhaps he is the last man. He is the son of man, he is the son who had to walk the whole path of man, to find his own spirit and to find God, his own self.

He Pilate, is that you? Are you still the official? If you have moved my wounded heart, is this not a sign which speaks to say that your report is human; is this good for the report?




Pilate It is not, but you can trust me, my experience, they will overlook this.

I now know what it was that made my report on you possible, which gave it meaning.

May it remain so, without it there would be no sense in it for me, I must sneak a little life into an official report that is so absurd.

But how should I conclude it. I now know what you had in mind when you said that reporting on you will not be my hardest task. I cannot report on Him, how can I write an official report on God.

He This is only a formality now. Write a formal report, but I cannot help you do this, you are greater than me in this.

Pilate I believe the report is finished now. After what you have said to me I cannot resume it, for any price.

He You must, Pilate, you can do this, you have only forgotten one thing. These are only dreams.


Pilate had long since forgotten what dreams were, the dreams of dreams, and what their reality is. But he felt relief. How strange these transitions, in which people are magically able to do things they would otherwise not dare do even in their dreams. So officially there is no God. And if he does not exist, why do people all over the world, and in all times, spend so much time thinking about him: proving his existence, writing treatises and dissertations. But all this is a trifle compared with all the prayers and hopes sent to him. In this respect, no office for demands or complaints in the empire, not even all the offices in the world together can compare with him. It is our task to turn people away from such numerous and such great errors with all means available. But unofficially God exists. He is the most certain perception we have; he is the surest of the facts known by our consciousness, the only one that is surer than freedom. If, therefore, we want to conceal it from our own selves, we must know who He is. The path to Him leads far over yonder, beyond the frontiers of reason, the path leads to Him but we cannot say that He is the goal because the goal is eternal, and this is not the goal for us, we would understand it wrongly; and this is what we want to avoid. This report is not a treatise about God, so I will be free in my reporting and begin at the point where, in my humble opinion, He is close to us. If we want to suppress God, we must begin by suppressing freedom. I do not think that we have not already accomplished much in this domain because this goes so naturally with our need for power and authority; but I will permit myself to mention that we have not done enough for the human being. We must help him to crush the freedom in himself; and he will thereby suppress God.


Then there is the truth; the truth of a man who uncovers it by himself; if this spreads throughout the empire as a habit, then it will bring in its wake freedom of thought and its expression; and again this will end with freedom and what will ensue I have already reported. The truth must, therefore, be strictly controlled, directed and every person must be offered more of it than they could possibly want in their dreams, of course, I have in mind our official truth.

Then we have here, and it is not the least dangerous: love, which the above mentioned Nazarene spread with such success and ease, under the noses of the world’s best secret service. His love is dangerous, it cannot be seen to what extent it pervades anyone and how near its source one may be in oneself. We have done much to this day to keep it quiet, to overturn it, restrict it and definite it; to stop it being what it is through him and what it is.

If we kill it, we will easily do the same with other unsystemised human values. In their place we must build value systems for the new man who will be a true man of the system or at least of systems. We must rely more on our desire for power: lies, fear and hatred. We must make use of the force of hatred, the blindness of lies and fear of freedom, so that together they may form one cloud, which will glow in them and from them. Only this way will we direct the values in them for two thousand years.

If anyone thinks the situation is not as serious as I believe it is, then they should tell me what else can possibly resist the admittedly unofficial God if not the system?


Then Pilate asked him: Was such an introductory obscuration of the report correct, is it at all acceptable to report on this, to report in this way?

He How can you see the light if you do not see the darkness in yourself? But if you light up the darkness in the right way, this is as good as if you shaded the light. I expect you know that there is no such thing as a perfect report.

Pilate I thought this was the case but I see no way back, I do not see it: how could the illumination of darkness flow naturally into the shading of light to light; I do not see any of this in the report.

He This cannot flow naturally in the report. The report must be clear, more than the treatise. Do not worry if it will not be alive; reports are dead.




Pilate I am writing a report to our god, he is a god of this earth, one man must give up humanity the most in order to personify the system. The system is a deity, it is impersonal and therefore justly one; but he is a god who is concrete, all can see him and perceive him with ordinary eyes; this is the only advantage of the uncertainty caused by our terrestrial god who cannot depersonalise himself into the system. The system itself strives to rid itself of this, its last imperfection. But that is still far away, for now the emperor is god.

He For as long as this is so, the terrestrial god will want to know what is most important about the unofficial God.

Pilate So it is to no avail that I am trying to get out of this. Schematically it is as follows:

But first a comment:

If anyone says I am shaming him in the report;

if anyone says I have seen him to be able to report on him;

I must say they are right.

If he sees my seeing according to his own seeing;

then in that moment he is right and I know nothing more, and cannot tell him anything, at least not in this report.

I have not seen the Avatars on the mountain, and yet I know that the problem was not a small one. Such things can simply not be made up by my reporters, especially not if they are bad. And I verify such reports, not just once.

That They could have invented it, to deceive themselves, no-one who has met one of them will ever claim that. These people are the last ones you could accuse of deceiving themselves. I have reported in detail on miracles in my reports thus far, also on Avatars and His commandments.

May I confirm only what is most urgent, that which I find to be particularly interesting and important for the empire. In two thousand years time they will want miracles with proof, precisely measured, confirmed with evidence, and what will this change about their unbelief? They will still believe neither themselves nor their eyes; they will stubbornly wade in the unknown.

In two thousand years time, they will want to see the Lord of hosts, the duke of the Avatars, the Prince of princes. And what can He say to them? That not even He has seen God. He will neither deny this nor confirm it. For that is what he is and yet he is not the only God. He has God like we have him, although it is not correct to put it this way; I will explain this later. The faith he is proclaiming, he is proclaiming to such an extent that we can understand it, but this faith is His faith. Although it is sad not to have His faith, it is even sadder not to have faith in oneself;


then there are the commandments, if you like; and as much as you like. We will not be mean here, not even a little. But he is reserved in this domain. Is it not strange how different we are in all things; it is worth thinking about this; and then to bury the people under a heap of laws. This will save our authority, perhaps for two thousand years.

As far as I understand, this was the main reason for the dispute between Him and Moses which was so bad that Elijah had to pull them apart. Moses attached great importance, almost all importance, to the law while He only extolled values. Then He too had to ease off. He said the commandments are for those who do not see. He used very mysterious language. Something like this:

if there are ten, then you know what they are,

if there are five, then you know what they are,

if two, then they are the principal commandments and you know which ones they are;

and when there will be only one, you will know what it is, and all the others will be in it;

and even that one will be too much because it is a commandment; but this is still far away.

You need at least two commandments, but set them for yourselves.


I believe the report is very important for us despite its ambiguities. It is very evident that we will tend towards the opposite and shower the peoples with commandments. This normative enriching of the people should last around two thousand years, then something new will have to be invented, perhaps some kind of self-legislation, otherwise everything will be lost, I mean the government of course. That is what happens if God officially does not exist, or when He is official, I mean presented in an orderly fashion.

Pilate looks at him beseechingly and asks:

God the Father also has the trinity of unity in himself, I cannot see that.

He Only because you cannot see it in yourself.

Pilate He is God the Father,

the Holy Spirit,

Deity itself, He is God in His own Self.

But we would like to see his God, and then his God’s God, and so and so forth.





He Only because you keep forgetting that you too are Gods.

His God is the only God, and your God is the only God. What you are looking for is pure transcendence; and if this does not make it clear to you, then it is so: God is one and no-one has seen him; and if anyone were to see him, God himself would see Himself; and he sees himself, in God the Father in Us, in You; he sees himself; and observes Himself, that is all.

Pilate Otherwise, who am I even writing this report for?

The present emperor of emperors?

The Roman Empire?

Probably not.

Future empires and kingdoms?

An empire or kingdom without an emperor?

A system without a man god?

A system without a man?

Perhaps it will be this way, will be.


He did not reply any more. This was probably all he wanted to appear in the report.

This was his farewell, said Pilate to himself. Now he should correct the first version of the report because the thirteenth disciple already knew of himself, at least part of himself, at least schematically, he knew.

Pilate verified the encoded report About the Avatars and His commandments once more; that is the report of his reporters and his notes in it. He did not understand it although he somehow knew that the core of his secret is already all in the report of the hearing, but it is hard for him to make it out – to decipher its true meaning.

Something was missing from this report, not everything had been said.

This was just the right incentive for him to begin examining through the spirit.

He wrote:












Two commandments


1 Love your God in yourself,

love your self.

2 Love the one who is close to you

like you love your self.


Then he carefully read his report,

but was not satisfied. There was nothing alive in it for him.

And he wrote as follows: Two commandments, if you really need them,

(then he crossed out »really«) and continued as follows:


Love your God in your self,

love him from your self,

with all your heart;

from your soul,

with a pure mind;

from your self,

in God’s spark you love him in your self.


Love your neighbour, the one who is close to you,

as you love your self:

from all your heart,

from your soul,

by your self.

By God’s spark in yourself you love him.


Pilate was annoyed with himself, he did not know why.

»O, God – if I had asked him then, when there was still time, when time stopped.«

He could not watch him like that. He asked Pilate: »Who is giving you these commandments, Pilate?«

Pilate flinched, he was surprised, pleasantly surprised, a little afraid and even a little angry, but he quickly regained his composure as only he could do, and answered uncertainly:

»I myself.«

He Then do it!






Pilate I love my God,

I love him from my self;

with all my heart,

all my soul,

my pure mind;

from my self,

with God’s spark in my self I love him.

He You will be alone Pilate, alone...

Pilate And the one who is close to me,

I love him like my self;

from my self I love him;

with my heart,

my soul,

my mind;

from my self,

with God’s spark in my self I love him,

through what is brightest in him.

He Why do you need two commandments?

Pilate They are the greatest, all the others are within them.

He Why do you need two commandments, Pilate?

Pilate When I love God in my self,

from my self,

all my self,

I love Everything;

he is one God,

we are one in him.

He If you love this way, you do not need any more commandments,

but you can now love only those who are close to you,

truly close to you.

Pilate again corrected the report so it now read:

Two commandments if you still need them.

He Do not try so hard, Pilate. There is no time here.

Time for us is God’s vicinity, being imbued with Him.

But so be it, if you need two commandments, set them over yourself,

let no-one else – who is a foreign guest in you

and who will take you where you do not want to go – set them over you.

They are the highest commandments, all others are within them.

But you no longer need Elijah’s commandments.




You only need one »commandment«,

and it is not my commandment, not His »commandment«,

it is knowledge, certainty, which speaks for itself;

when you truly accept it, it revives you,

it changes all of your life, the meaning of your life:


The immortality of the soul is: Its eternal life.


When you truly, truly love your God in your self,

from your self, your essence,

three of my values change all your commandments.

Whoever has His values, and mine,

is led by them,

they speak for themselves,

they speak by themselves,

they reveal themselves on their own,

they glorify themselves,

congregate amongst themselves,

lead to eternity, to God,

they are eternal life.


Pilate woke up, very reluctantly, never in his life had he woken up so reluctantly. He added:

So this has come this far. In service of the empire, alienated from my self, I have come so far that I now dream of my reports.


Now Pilate was truly alone.


He did not want to talk with the people,

he was a stranger unto himself.

Pilate would talk to the dog,

who taught him love,

for people and other beings who are not people.



Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: ZGODBA O PILATU II



Translated from Slovenian by Jaka Jarc: Spremna beseda


Translated from Slovenian by Jaka Jarc: TRIVIALNA STRUKTURA ZAVESTI


Translated from Slovenian by Jaka Jarc: P.P.S. - pojasnitev opomb


Notes 1:

– The above text is from the book John’s Revelation or On Three Values (in comparison with the text from the book published in 1986, 1990, 1994 the changes are minimal). [The whole book is a complex yet ordered message. Allegories are essentially a ciphered experience, it is not easy to decipher them; the message becomes a little easier to understand when it is split up into individual stories.]

– The message of John’s Gospel is essentially a gnostic text. It was written (or copied) by a gnostic. The Gospel according to John is a gnostic gospel. Even after the copying or editing carried out by St. Ireneaus (Bishop of Lugdunum, Gaul, c. 130-202; now Lyon, France), the essence of the message is unambiguous: knowledge of God – gnosis. This is particularly true for the first chapter.

– John the Baptist did not baptise only with water, he was the Herald – the teacher of gnosis. The story of John the Herald (the Baptist) – the first chapter of John’s gospel (the disciple whom Jesus loved) – is a gnostic gospel of John the Herald.        It contains the essence of gnosis as it was taught by John the Herald, John’s first teacher. For the first chapter of John’s gospel we can therefore say that it is the gospel of John the Herald.

– Avatars on the mount – (see: Supplement to the preface of the third edition of John’s Revelation; The Message of the Avatars on the mount)


Perhaps an unnecessary comment: Gnostic messages speak to us on their own, metaphorically speaking, they speak to us three times in truth: firstly as a story, if we read it freely; secondly in the spirit – when we look with our spiritual eyes, or with intuition, for the story is only a framework for values – direct facts of consciousness; thirdly, with a pure heart, some would say – with pure reason. Faith in the gnostic text (usually or mostly) means certainty from knowledge, it is the certainty of reason’s intuition or in other words: intuitive certainty is knowledge, certainty which speaks for itself.

It would be difficult for me to say for myself that I am a believer, I would sooner say that I am a born sceptic, that I do not believe anything, not even myself. »It is most difficult to believe yourself.« Or your intuition if you like.

I prefer metaphysics to philosophy; hermeneutics is a wonderful method; but gnosis is mysterious, almost incomprehensible. The essence of gnosis is knowledge from comprehension (not faith), this knowledge is a miracle. I am always amazed by that which surpasses human reasoning and gives knowledge a special certainly. (Editor’s note)


Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich: Opombe 1














Links to translations of the Lives Journal:


Rajko Shushtarshich, The voice of one crying out in the wilderness

/a gnostic gospel of John the Herald/ (Lives Journal 4; p.45)

Rajko Shushtarshich, The Prince and the Shepherd – The Story of Judas and Simon Peter

/a gnostic gospel/ (Lives Journal 3; p.21)

Rajko Shushtarshich, The story of Pilate I /Pilate's dreams/ (Lives Journal 5; p.25)

Rajko Shushtarshich The Story of Pilates II /Message on his goodbye/ (Lives Journal 6; p.37)