Lives Journal 5

Matej Krajnc

 

THE POETIC CANE

 

»You said it was urgent, Frank!«

»Right, right!«

»So? What happened?«

»Right, right!«

»No, really ... what happened?«

»Why?«

»It's four in the morning and I'm standing in the middle of your garage, that's why!«

»Oh ... Uh ... Right, right ... Sorry ... I'm still a bit confused, you know, I invented something new, must be the enthusiasm ...«

»So you're still vzhichen!«

»What?«

»You're vzhichen! It's a phrase from Central Europe. Vzhichen!«

»Central Europe? Well ...«

»It doesn't matter, just tell me what happened, for crying out loud!«

»I invented a cane!«

»You did what?«

»A cane. That's what I invented!«

»Congratulations, that was certainly worth my while! YOU SHITHEAD, YOU WAKE ME UP AT FOUR A.M. TO TELL ME YOU'VE INVENTED A CANE???«

»It's not an ordinary cane, you schmuck! I haven't finished yet!«

»Then what is it? A super cane? A coin-vomiting cane? A coffee-cooking cane? A cane that lights your cigarette? An alimony-paying cane? C'MON, MAN, WHAT KIND OF A CANE IS IT?«

»You're repulsive, you know that?«

»I have to get up at six and go to work, but that's something you wouldn't understand!«

»I invented a cane and I named it Rhyme'n'Time!«

»YOU DID WHAT???«

»You heard me, don't yell like that, you'll wake up the neighborhood!«

»RHYME'N'TIME? WHAT KIND OF SHIT DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS TIME?!«

»It's a special cane! I'll show you. It looks different!«

»Well, well ... I see a piece of wood with some muff on it! A big inovation, really. It'll set the world on fire and burn it to cinders!«

»All those who like to take a stroll in winter will be grateful for this! Now look what happens if I press this button here!«

FLOP!

»In Xanadu did Kubla khan a stately pleasure-dome decree ... What the hell is that?«

»It's Coleridge, and stop asking stupid questions! It's a poetic cane!«

»POETIC cane?! Well, I'll be ...«

»Uh-huh. It's a cane with built-in poetry, and I wrote some of those, too!«

»You're a nutcase! Who'd buy a shitty poetry cane?«

»It's a self-defense cane. Imagine someone being attacked on the street and WHAM! there's a passage from Wordsworth to knock the attacker down!«

»What?«

»Forget it! The poem comes out right here and all those rhymes puzzle the bastard! Do you see that pointy end from which the poetic discharge springs out? Well, the owner can pierce the skull of the attacker or put out his eyes. It's revolutionary! No more disgusting sprays, revolvers in pockets, calls for help ...!«

»Goodness!«

»Goodness what?«

»You're crazy, that's what!«

»Why?«

»Who buys canes today? A couple of old ladies, that's it! Its not a mass market, you idiot!«

»They will become fashionable. A little word of mouth, some commercials ... That's whay I called you. You have to come up with some promotional stuff for the canes! Do it this morning, now, let's hear about my canes!«

»Frank, please, sit down, I'll make you some tea, and then we'll take a nap. You'll feel better, believe me. You're overworked again, aren't you?«

»Well, I'll have you know that ... that ...«

»What?«

»******, ****!!!«

»You bastard!«

»No, you're the bastard! You're blocking progress!«

»I don't have time and money to promote some stupid poetic canes! Are you nuts?! Promotion costs money! You don't have that kind of money!«

»I offer you 40 per cent!«

»40 what?«

»40 per cent of the profits!«

»40 per cent?«

»If you don't stop being a nuisance, I'll show you with some Goethe!«

»You've gone completely coo-coo!«

»Well, what's t going to be?«

»Half of the profits. And you cover all the loss!«

»HALF OF IT? You'd take half of it from a friend?«

»40 is not enough. My good name is on the line and these early hours are not good for my health!«

»You don't trust me, do you?«

»Nope, especially not with that ind of merchandise!«

»OK! All right, 50 %, but I keep the right to approve everything!«

»Give me that fucking cane!«

»Don't try anything, there's three more in the corner there!«

»Idiot!!!«

»When can I call you?«

»Around 11.30! Fiberton from the Upper Subsidiary will handle this, and he'll have to do it quickly, because we have some serious orders to fill today!«

»I don't care about your other stuff! Expect the call!«

»Uh!«

»Uh what?«

»ALL RIGHT!«

»You won't regret this!«

»We'll see about that!«

»It was nice for you to come!«

»You better let me sleep next time!«

»Any trouble sleeping? I have a soporific stand back here!«

»I sleep very well, thank you, and would be doing so greatly this morning if some raving lunatic didn't wake me up. What sopoforic stand?«

»A stand that lulls you to sleep!«

»Another one of your stupid ideas? How can a piece of plastic lull you to sleep?«

»When you have trouble sleeping, you press the button at the top of the stand and it begins to yawn loudly while singing Ode to Joy!«

»I knew it! Another one of those brilliantly idiotic ideas of yours!«

»Take one and try it! It's not finished yet tho', I'm still working on it!«

»Uh!«

»Grab it like this ... Like this ... Yes, it folds!  OK, so I'll call you later, thanks for coming!«

»Someone woke me up and I didn't have a choice! By the way, why did you name the cane Rhyme'n'Time? It's the stupidest name for a cane!« 

»It rhymes like hell!«

 

 

 

Translated from Slovenian by author

 

 

 

Slovenian (gajica)

Slovenian (bohorichica)