Lives Journal 6

Rajko Shushtarshich



His farewell message


His farewell message

About them, about him and about the others  


Pilate This report is so strange, it seems unlikely; does this

change anything about him, the report, I mean?


He It changes nothing about him, nor in him,

you may write it freely.

Pilate I cannot write it myself, I will have to ask you

about what I am unsure of.

He It does not matter if you ask me or yourself, in my name.

If you are not yet used to this, you may have your way, ask me,

do not hesitate, have no scruples.

Pilate I must report on how many are devoted to you, faithful to you, and who follow your path. But the most important is the number of your disciples.

There were twelve, then one left, or rather you sent him away,

and you were left with eleven; is that not so?

He It is not so. This counting is difficult. How will you count them if they are never all there; their number is constantly changing, it is not constant.

But let us try to reach an approximate number. It should be something like this:

They are not eleven but twelve; because the twelfth one did not leave in his entirety and he has not gone forever; although it is true that I sent him. In this case they are not twelve but thirteen, but the thirteenth does not yet know he is the thirteenth; and it is even more precise to say that he does not yet know in his entirety that he is my thirteenth disciple. But such counting is really very approximate. In reality there are many more of them. So each one of them is in three, they are three; and even this triplicity has a bright side and a dark side, that is why I suggest that you at least double them. After counting then, they number seventy eight. But maybe it is even more correct to count thirteen in each of them: twelve more. They then number one hundred and fifty; and they are rarely all in all. Some of them are always absent. I tell you this only so that you may see that counting them has no meaning; it makes no sense to count what in its essence is uncountable.

Pilate So may I write it down as follows:

He had many disciples, but they cannot be counted. Each one of them was devoted to him and free in himself;

and in himself he was free and unfree, real and unreal, appealing and unappealing;

and he was lightly dark and darkly light in his soul;

and he was a more or less glowing spark, which lights and extinguishes itself at the same time. We could say that there were six of them in one.

But they were not six because their tone first flows into one and then another colour.

Then we could say that they were only three, in one; but neither can this be said because their triplicity is in their self; one.

But their We is much more complex in their We-dom.

Each of them already contains every one of them in spirit, their We-dom pervades each one of them.

But if we now keep to the possibility that they live eternally,

when they exist at the same time, when they do not yet exist for us,

and when they continue to exist although for us they no longer exist,

it will certainly suffice for you to realise that such a report cannot be understood, let alone written up.

May I conclude the report about their number by saying that they cannot be counted and that counting them has no meaning.

Would such a report be satisfactory?

He It should suffice for the report. Only one thing should be added in order to satisfy the truth. Their triplicity is one in their self; but their triplicity is not one in their I.

Pilate I would rather forget about this.

He But you should not, it is essential.

Pilate But now I must report on Your self, you are their leader and as such by far the most important.

He I doubt it will be so, but let us take things in the right order. After all, you know so much about me, more than any of you, more than the other disciples.

Pilate And this is precisely the problem. What should I report?

He Write what is necessary for the official report, such an insignificant part of you, your official role will know what this is.

Pilate The problem, I believe, lies in the fact that my official skin has forever lost its owner, I cannot get back inside it and if I try,

I am superfluous to it. I cannot say I have outgrown it but I will never again be a true official.

He I know this, Pilate, but you can easily write up the report.

Pilate I will try, but will make it very brief.

He is: Jesus of Nazareth, king of the Jews,

duke of this world, self-proclaimed,

who heard a voice within himself, about his mission.

He is: the Duke of the skies, son of the Lord of hosts,

son of the spirit of the exceptional.

During his life he spread his teaching to half the Roman Empire:

to the west as far as Greece and to the east as far as Asia.

His execution, the crucifixion of the dishonoured king of the Jews will, in my humble opinion, only serve to spread his teaching throughout the empire and further afield. Our only salvation is to accept his teaching, to incorporate it into our organisation, for the benefit of our power.

It is a worrying fact that the Jews could not do this, although it cannot be said that some influential ones among them did not see this.

So this has worked in our favour. But I don’t know if we will get through this trial any better. May I not be Pilate of Rome if I am mistaken in this.

He: the Son of God cannot even be seen, the Son of the only God.

His God is not the God whom he acknowledges; he is the God who is in him, in me, in you. You may not see this, but in my humble understanding I would advise against it; this is not a question of power and authority, it is a question of belief in oneself, the meaning of all our existence. The values he preaches are: truth, freedom, love and with it all others. They are so alive, especially the latter, that they far surpass the power of conviction of what we are familiar with, they are alive on their own. And they are eternal. So nothing can be done about them. And may I not be a living being, may I not be a stone if I am wrong. He is not on this earth for the first time. He knows him as he is, as he was and as he will be. He knows him by himself, by his essence; but he also knows him through others and through God.

Is this enough for the report, Pilate asked him?

He To please me you could also add what I am even without

my mission.

Pilate But even he is a very ordinary man, perhaps he is the last man. He is the son of man, he is the son who had to walk the whole path of man, to find his own spirit and to find God, his own self.

He Pilate, is that you? Are you still the official? If you have moved my wounded heart, is this not a sign which speaks to say that your report is human; is this good for the report?

Pilate It is not, but you can trust me, my experience, they will overlook this.

I now know what it was that made my report on you possible, which gave it meaning.

May it remain so, without it there would be no sense in it for me, I must sneak a little life into an official report that is so absurd.

But how should I conclude it. I now know what you had in mind when you said that reporting on you will not be my hardest task. I cannot report on Him, how can I write an official report on God.

He This is only a formality now. Write a formal report, but I cannot help you do this, you are greater than me in this.

Pilate I believe the report is finished now. After what you have said to me I cannot resume it, for any price.

He You must, Pilate, you can do this, you have only forgotten one thing. These are only dreams.


Pilate had long since forgotten what dreams were, the dreams of dreams, and what their reality is. But he felt relief. How strange these transitions, in which people are magically able to do things they would otherwise not dare do even in their dreams. So officially there is no God. And if he does not exist, why do people all over the world, and in all times, spend so much time thinking about him: proving his existence, writing treatises and dissertations. But all this is a trifle compared with all the prayers and hopes sent to him. In this respect, no office for demands or complaints in the empire, not even all the offices in the world together can compare with him. It is our task to turn people away from such numerous and such great errors with all means available. But unofficially God exists. He is the most certain perception we have; he is the surest of the facts known by our consciousness, the only one that is surer than freedom. If, therefore, we want to conceal it from our own selves, we must know who He is. The path to Him leads far over yonder, beyond the frontiers of reason, the path leads to Him but we cannot say that He is the goal because the goal is eternal, and this is not the goal for us, we would understand it wrongly; and this is what we want to avoid. This report is not a treatise about God, so I will be free in my reporting and begin at the point where, in my humble opinion, He is close to us. If we want to suppress God, we must begin by suppressing freedom. I do not think that we have not already accomplished much in this domain because this goes so naturally with our need for power and authority; but I will permit myself to mention that we have not done enough for the human being. We must help him to crush the freedom in himself; and he will thereby suppress God.

Then there is the truth; the truth of a man who uncovers it by himself; if this spreads throughout the empire as a habit, then it will bring in its wake freedom of thought and its expression; and again this will end with freedom and what will ensue I have already reported. The truth must, therefore, be strictly controlled, directed and every person must be offered more of it than they could possibly want in their dreams, of course, I have in mind our official truth.

Then we have here, and it is not the least dangerous: love, which the above mentioned Nazarene spread with such success and ease, under the noses of the world’s best secret service. His love is dangerous, it cannot be seen to what extent it pervades anyone and how near its source one may be in oneself. We have done much to this day to keep it quiet, to overturn it, restrict it and definite it; to stop it being what it is through him and what it is.

If we kill it, we will easily do the same with other unsystemised human values. In their place we must build value systems for the new man who will be a true man of the system or at least of systems. We must rely more on our desire for power: lies, fear and hatred. We must make use of the force of hatred, the blindness of lies and fear of freedom, so that together they may form one cloud, which will glow in them and from them. Only this way will we direct the values in them for two thousand years.

If anyone thinks the situation is not as serious as I believe it is, then they should tell me what else can possibly resist the admittedly unofficial God if not the system?


Then Pilate asked him: Was such an introductory obscuration of the report correct, is it at all acceptable to report on this, to report in this way?

He How can you see the light if you do not see the darkness in yourself? But if you light up the darkness in the right way, this is as good as if you shaded the light. I expect you know that there is no such thing as a perfect report.

Pilate I thought this was the case but I see no way back, I do not see it: how could the illumination of darkness flow naturally into the shading of light to light; I do not see any of this in the report.

He This cannot flow naturally in the report. The report must be clear, more than the treatise. Do not worry if it will not be alive; reports are dead.

Pilate I am writing a report to our god, he is a god of this earth, one man must give up humanity the most in order to personify the system. The system is a deity, it is impersonal and therefore justly one; but he is a god who is concrete, all can see him and perceive him with ordinary eyes; this is the only advantage of the uncertainty caused by our terrestrial god who cannot depersonalise himself into the system. The system itself strives to rid itself of this, its last imperfection. But that is still far away, for now the emperor is god.

He For as long as this is so, the terrestrial god will want to know what is most important about the unofficial God.

Pilate So it is to no avail that I am trying to get out of this. Schematically it is as follows:

But first a comment:

If anyone says I am shaming him in the report;

if anyone says I have seen him to be able to report on him;

I must say they are right.

If he sees my seeing according to his own seeing;

then in that moment he is right and I know nothing more, and cannot tell him anything, at least not in this report.

I have not seen the Avatars on the mountain, and yet I know that the problem was not a small one. Such things can simply not be made up by my reporters, especially not if they are bad. And I verify such reports, not just once.

That They could have invented it, to deceive themselves, no-one who has met one of them will ever claim that. These people are the last ones you could accuse of deceiving themselves. I have reported in detail on miracles in my reports thus far, also on Avatars and His commandments.

May I confirm only what is most urgent, that which I find to be particularly interesting and important for the empire. In two thousand years time they will want miracles with proof, precisely measured, confirmed with evidence, and what will this change about their unbelief? They will still believe neither themselves nor their eyes; they will stubbornly wade in the unknown.

In two thousand years time, they will want to see the Lord of hosts, the duke of the Avatars, the Prince of princes. And what can He say to them? That not even He has seen God. He will neither deny this nor confirm it. For that is what he is and yet he is not the only God. He has God like we have him, although it is not correct to put it this way; I will explain this later. The faith he is proclaiming, he is proclaiming to such an extent that we can understand it, but this faith is His faith. Although it is sad not to have His faith, it is even sadder not to have faith in oneself;


then there are the commandments, if you like; and as much as you like. We will not be mean here, not even a little. But he is reserved in this domain. Is it not strange how different we are in all things; it is worth thinking about this; and then to bury the people under a heap of laws. This will save our authority, perhaps for two thousand years.

As far as I understand, this was the main reason for the dispute between Him and Moses which was so bad that Elijah had to pull them apart. Moses attached great importance, almost all importance, to the law while He only extolled values. Then He too had to ease off. He said the commandments are for those who do not see. He used very mysterious language. Something like this:

if there are ten, then you know what they are,

if there are five, then you know what they are,

if two, then they are the principal commandments and you know which ones they are;

and when there will be only one, you will know what it is, and all the others will be in it;

and even that one will be too much because it is a commandment; but this is still far away.

You need at least two commandments, but set them for yourselves.


I believe the report is very important for us despite its ambiguities. It is very evident that we will tend towards the opposite and shower the peoples with commandments. This normative enriching of the people should last around two thousand years, then something new will have to be invented, perhaps some kind of self-legislation, otherwise everything will be lost, I mean the government of course. That is what happens if God officially does not exist, or when He is official, I mean presented in an orderly fashion.

Pilate looks at him beseechingly and asks:

God the Father also has the trinity of unity in himself, I cannot see that.

He Only because you cannot see it in yourself.

Pilate He is God the Father,

the Holy Spirit,

Deity itself, He is God in His own Self.

But we would like to see his God, and then his God’s God, and so and so forth.

He Only because you keep forgetting that you too are Gods.

His God is the only God, and your God is the only God. What you are looking for is pure transcendence; and if this does not make it clear to you, then it is so: God is one and no-one has seen him; and if anyone were to see him, God himself would see Himself; and he sees himself, in God the Father in Us, in You; he sees himself; and observes Himself, that is all.

Pilate Otherwise, who am I even writing this report for?

The present emperor of emperors?

The Roman Empire?

Probably not.

Future empires and kingdoms?

An empire or kingdom without an emperor?

A system without a man god?

A system without a man?

Perhaps it will be this way, will be.


He did not reply any more. This was probably all he wanted to appear in the report.

This was his farewell, said Pilate to himself. Now he should correct the first version of the report because the thirteenth disciple already knew of himself, at least part of himself, at least schematically, he knew.

Pilate verified the encoded report About the Avatars and His commandments once more; that is the report of his reporters and his notes in it. He did not understand it although he somehow knew that the core of his secret is already all in the report of the hearing, but it is hard for him to make it out – to decipher its true meaning.

Something was missing from this report, not everything had been said.

This was just the right incentive for him to begin examining through the spirit.

He wrote:



Two commandments


1 Love your God in yourself,

love your self.

2 Love the one who is close to you

like you love your self.


Then he carefully read his report,

but was not satisfied. There was nothing alive in it for him.

And he wrote as follows: Two commandments, if you really need them,

(then he crossed out “really”) and continued as follows:


Love your God in your self,

love him from your self,

with all your heart;

from your soul,

with a pure mind;

from your self,

in God’s spark you love him in your self.


Love your neighbour, the one who is close to you,

as you love your self:

from all your heart,

from your soul,

by your self.

By God’s spark in yourself you love him.


Pilate was annoyed with himself, he did not know why.

“O, God – if I had asked him then, when there was still time, when time stopped.”

He could not watch him like that. He asked Pilate: “Who is giving you these commandments, Pilate?”

Pilate flinched, he was surprised, pleasantly surprised, a little afraid and even a little angry, but he quickly regained his composure as only he could do, and answered uncertainly:

“I myself.”

He Then do it!


Pilate I love my God,

I love him from my self;

with all my heart,

all my soul,

my pure mind;

from my self,

with God’s spark in my self I love him.

He You will be alone Pilate, alone...

Pilate And the one who is close to me,

I love him like my self;

from my self I love him;

with my heart,

my soul,

my mind;

from my self,

with God’s spark in my self I love him,

through what is brightest in him.

He Why do you need two commandments?

Pilate They are the greatest, all the others are within them.

He Why do you need two commandments, Pilate?

Pilate When I love God in my self,

from my self,

all my self,

I love Everything;

he is one God,

we are one in him.

He If you love this way, you do not need any more commandments,

but you can now love only those who are close to you,

truly close to you.

Pilate again corrected the report so it now read:

Two commandments if you still need them.

He Do not try so hard, Pilate. There is no time here.

Time for us is God’s vicinity, being imbued with Him.

But so be it, if you need two commandments, set them over yourself,

let no-one else – who is a foreign guest in you

and who will take you where you do not want to go – set them over you.

They are the highest commandments, all others are within them.

But you no longer need Elijah’s commandments.

You only need one “commandment”,

and it is not my commandment, not His “commandment”,

it is knowledge, certainty, which speaks for itself;

when you truly accept it, it revives you,

it changes all of your life, the meaning of your life:


The immortality of the soul is: Its eternal life.


When you truly, truly love your God in your self,

from your self, your essence,

three of my values change all your commandments.

Whoever has His values, and mine,

is led by them,

they speak for themselves,

they speak by themselves,

they reveal themselves on their own,

they glorify themselves,

congregate amongst themselves,

lead to eternity, to God,

they are eternal life.


Pilate woke up, very reluctantly, never in his life had he woken up

so reluctantly. He added:

So this has come this far. In service of the empire,

alienated from my self, I have come so far that I now dream of my reports.


Now Pilate was truly alone.


He did not want to talk with the people,

he was a stranger unto himself.

Pilate would talk to the dog,

who taught him love,

for people and other beings who are not people.






Jn 12/50, 13/34, 14/21

Mt 22/37-40, Ma 12/29-31, Lk 10/27



Translated from Slovenian by Marko Petrovich




Slovenian (gajica)

Slovenian (bohorichica)